(Unlocking the chains in which I'm bound)
By: Marcello Gomez
Have you ever felt like everything in the world was against you? No matter what you did, everything always ended right side down for you? If you answered, “Yes”, to those questions, then you are on the right path of figuring out those blockages. The root issues that work against you in your mission in life. This is my story of digging in the realms of fire, bound by chains and realizing my truth and soul’s true purpose.
The Birth Of Me
I am Marcello and this is my truth, my journey to finding inner peace and gaining the happiness I deserved (that we all deserve, yes, you too) . This is a deep look into my life and how I was able to overcome adversity, self-doubt and the darkest of hours.
Like all good stories, you have to start at the beginning. September 08, 1986 at exactly 7:36 pm, Dolores Lynn Medoza gave birth to a beautiful little baby boy, me. Unexpected, I am the youngest of 4 siblings. Roxanne (14), Yvette (9) and Manuel (7) were not ready for the force of my intoxicating personality and taking over as the “baby” of the family. My mother was a free spirit and a beautiful lady, she was married 3 times; having 2 daughters with her first husband, Alfonzo, and then, 2 boys from her second marriage, to my father, Manuel. She then divorced my father and spent the remainder of her life with the man who shaped me as an adult, my stepfather, RIchard. Rick brought with him 3 kids of his own Monica, Steven and Desiree. This union brought 2 families together. Out of all 7 kids, I am still the baby of the family. You would think that with 7 sibling’s, I actually would have grown up with at least one of them, however I practically grew up as an only child.
In the first 2 years of my life, I had my first heartbreak. I lost my real father and estranged feelings of confusion and yearning for him will haunt me for the years to come. You see, I never felt loved by a father figure. My step-dad was so correct, even though he raised me since 2, he always reminded me that I had a “real” Dad. He did that because he was right, but in the early years I took it as I was not good enough to be loved. Back to my Dad, I could never comprehend how he, a man; could raise 2 girls that were not of his own blood (as his own), his own first born, & then I came along, and he abandoned me. Not only, he has a second family and raised another son, my brother, Daniel. This void left inside will lead to be one of the most influential events that will shape my life and create serious blockages coming from adolescence into adulthood, ultimately delaying the path my soul should have been conquering. Even as a child, I knew something was not right about that situation. I developed problems with self identity and the obsessive need for a man’s attention to “love” me. Now, I don’t want to smear my father’s name, he was a respectable man but did have a little bit of a drinking problem (oh, the apples don’t fall too far from the tree either) and is a dedicated hard worker. Raised with strong morals (funny, cause of the situation here) my Dad, is a great story teller, a womanizer (he taught me how to seduce) and a huge influence on the impact of my sister’s and brother’s lives. They view him as their father, where I view him as a stranger; a stranger, I should have had a better relationship with. My feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, and need to show off (this I always did for his attention, I wanted him to think I was better off without the presence of him). Truth was I craved his attention and more so his love.
12 th Year : Ashamed and Hatred
At the age of 12, some serious life occurrences presented themselves to me, and I was forced to step into a more of an adult role. Losing some of the crucial years of adolescence, I am again “forced” to grow up and be self productive. This is about the time in my life where I hit another huge influence of completely shutting down and blocking my heart. The time in my life when I am ashamed. I was ashamed of my parents. I have always been a smart kid, I thrived in school (it was my escape) I always was/am optimistic and have an imagination that would make “movie makers” jealous. Twelve years into life and I am ashamed because my parents (on again/off again addicts) are put away and have to serve some time behind bars. I was mortified and thrown of gaurd. This moment, right here, is where I let imagination start to play with my reality vs fantasy. I developed a knack for bending or exaggerating the truth. I would tell little “white lies” to envision myself in a better situation or to not have to come to terms with what was really going on. This is ok now, but this will turn into a serious problem with ego inflation, over confidence and damaging identity issues. This moment leads to false representations, the wearing of different masks (hiding my light and the beauty I possess in my raw story) and hindering another pivotal moment delaying my growth and bloacking me from my purpose in life. It gets so bad, that I even started to believe my lies; you know what they say “if you say it long enough, then it becomes your truth”, well I wish I would have just been honest with myself and been proud. I will forget how important authenticity and honesty actually play a role in success, especially being honest with yourself.
Another self sabotaging act of mine in the same year, creates a blockage of my heart. My father once again proves to me that we have no connection. That we are complete strangers and I even feel that he does not truly love me. While my parents are vacationing in jail for a year of my life, I am given to the care of my sister, Roxanne (she has always been a parent in my eyes, raising me since I was born), and she is burdened with having to care for me full time. My father, now remember I felt like he was a stranger, so you could only imagine how I felt when I had to visit him every other weekend. It was always a fight to get me to go, I mean I would cry for hours. One weekend, my father threatened me over some "childish fit" I was throwing, and he threatened me with taking me from my sister (my familiarity) and force me to live with him. He really should have done that, I mean who would let their daughter take custody of their son? Granted, I was happy, I didn't want to live with him. I mean over my dead body and remember I am 12, I have feelings of rage and my little yet big old mouth spat out “ I HATE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!”. My hormonial self was filled with such conviction. I really wish I would have known how powerful I was with my words and how powerful words can be. Oh man, you better believe he listens and to this day I still rarely see my father.
I felt like he should have came to me to mend our relationship, but instead he waited for me to come to him. Little did he know how I took after my mother, and she was as stubborn as a bull in a pin, ask anyone. I never did go to him, in fact, I spent a good chunk of this life lost, confused and filled with this undeniable hatred. When I realized my truth, I realized that I not only damaged myself but I really have had totally broken his heart too. Don't worry, believe in me when I say, I paid for that. You will get to hear all the "juicy details" of those events that are afflicted by this. This major event in my life will lead me down a dark sprialing rabbit hole. The guilt, promescuity, taking risks and seeking all the wrong attention from men. Feeling empty and unsatisfied in anything but most of all, I lose empathy. A gift of mine that will disappear and won't return for a very long time.
I have to remind myself, that if you are reading this and can see a pattern, that I'm truly the one to blame for the damaging blockages I created. Even though, yes I was young and he should have stepped up; I shouldn't have been so prideful to speak about the feelings and the need for his love. My parents love me and I love them back, but I judged them. I know I could not see that then but as I get older, I totally see the flaws in my reactions and my need to play a victim. I am a magnet to being the center of attention and I will spend a great deal of time in self pity and blame others, before I come to open my eyes and see the truth in what I seek.
TO BE CONTNUED....
STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEKS REVEAL.....
"I never had a desire to be anything like her, I was ashamed of the mistakes and manipulation she would use to get her way"