Mommy Issues: Mom or Sister
I recently lost my mother, a little over a year ago and two days after my 33rd birthday. I know she is doing fine in heaven because she is always with me and has become not only my guardian angel but my siblings as well. If she were here in the physical world, she would be freaking out about how revealing of the family problems I am telling, but I get the feeling she is rooting for me on this. My mom was all about “showing off”, she had an obsessive way of re-decorating her home and gambling a whole lot of her money down the drain. I do have a better understanding about her ticks and a why for the compulsion. She dealt with a lot of guilt, she was guilty for the wrongs she made in this world but mainly she was of broken heart. Her story is actually pretty amazing as well but unfortunately I don’t have clarity in her story, so I can not talk about which I do not know.
Mom and I have always had a different relationship then she had with the rest of my siblings. In fact, I have very odd relationships with all my family members. Let me tell you though, one second my Mom and I were laughing and the second later we were fighting. Her Leo energy with my Virgo energy did not always coincide. She would always tell me I was just like her, and it would shoot me to the roof. I never had a desire to be anything like her, I was ashamed of the mistakes and manipulation she would use to get her way. I will say this though, I did know how to say “no” to her and she would just accept it. I felt sorry for my siblings that would constantly give into the “guilt trips” and fall to her every command. I loved her so much, but I had no trust in her. Addiction would cause her to be a rollercoaster of emotions and to make poor decisions, for example, she literally stole $1200 dollars out of my pant pockets and then tried to make me believe I lost it. It was not the first time either. Unfortunately, if you met my mother you most likely had some disturbance with her (but you loved her dearly). It was in her state of self sabotage and feelings like she did not belong, that would create a different side of her. One that was trapped in mental chains and burned in flames. This is a feeling I will learn to have and self-sabotage will become second nature, while addiction resonates with me too. My constant judgment and sometimes embarrassed feelings lead me to manifest my darkest fears and I become all the things I did not want to become.
The relationship between myself and her were irreplaceable. She was like a friend or my sister vs her being my mother. Literally, before I decided to permanently move into my sister’s home for stability, she would call Roxanne if I was in trouble. I was kind of brat when it came to me not listening to my mother. Again, this is not to ruin anyone’s reputation but rather give insight in my shortcomings and the truth to who I became and who I am now. In the day’s leading to her death, we would constantly be on the phone with each other. As I got older and shared a very similar path of my mother, she would confide with me on a deeper level. She felt because we had this addiction connection we could go into the depths of our darkest secrets. I did enjoy those conversations. Later in life, I will discover that I actually did not share the problem but rather was overwhelmed with her energy in mine (I’m empathetic), I would absorb her energy and I will do this for a long time with many people, especially in the matter of love. I will think these feelings are true to me and slowly lose more of my personal identity. This was never her fault, if you knew her story you would know what I mean. This is again my fault because I tied myself to her and I take on a whole lot more. I have a belief that she was cursed; same for my uncle.
I feel like there was a deal made over them and then it manifested in their children. I was the most like Mom, so I think (again I am not sure on this, this is just a thought I keep having) when she died I was shot on a path for spiritual clarity but my journey there is a long one and I am not done. When I get to these events that lead to clarity, you might think to yourself I am crazy or on drugs but the lessons I have learned prove otherwise to me.
I miss my Mom dearly and it is so hard to not have her here pysically but I know she is always with me. I can feel her and I even heard her telling this is okay. To let out my story and finally be the everything that I was meant to.
See you next week with more of the story of past....