The 14th year of my life displays two events in my life that truly depict who I am as a person. One leading me into self empowerment and the other leading me to feel betrayed and again a sense of abandonment.
This was a very positive year for me. I met someone extremely addicting and gave me validation for whom I thought I was back then. I met 18 yr old Adrian and he made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world. This man could use words to hypnotize me in the depths of my heart. I would spend many days fantasizing about him for months to come.
Adrian found a way into my heart that would eventually leave my first scar. Yes, he was magical and could sway his way in my thoughts and everyday practices. He eventually broke me down and I felt a giving for him to be the first. The first to truly admit that I was gay and gift that would make me a man. I gave him love and trust and he took it. He took it and spat at it.
I was heartbroken, I could not breathe or see. I wanted to die. I could not understand how, once again, a man I love, would leave me. He never knew how heartbroken I was back then. I learned long ago that emotions were weak and I should not allow my emotions to be truly seen. I felt betrayed and yet compelled to love him. He taught me to start putting walls up, to not be that vulnerable. I should have spoken up then and released the self hating he taught me to have .
On a brighter note, this is also the year that I find the uppermost empowerment in myself. I discovered the Alief Jazz Ballet, it was like it was designed for me. A boy, with no money and no way of taking studio dance, but a chance to do so in school. I had never wanted anything more than that. This is where I started my true dance journey. Dance will become one of the most therapeutic tools and power I could ever want. Dance will teach me to be vulnerable and to reach for the limitless skies above me. Dance will save me for many years to come.
It may seem like this year was not that great and I lost a lot of my innocence in these years but truly I find light. I find a true calling (at the time) and a lesson that will shape my choice in partners and self-care that I will learn in many hard ways. As tragic as it may be, I am not ashamed of this, these will later be pillars in my rebirth.